Her: I have the worst cramps ever. I hate my freaking uterus. I don't even need it.
Me: Why not?
Her: I mean not right now. I'd like to put it on ice for a few years.
Me: Oh ok. Well, I'm gonna have MLL's baby when I'm thirty-five and then adopt another one. I will write best selling books and run a dog rescue.
Her: Well when I'm thirty-five I'm going to have Leonardo DiCaprio's baby and open a vintage clothing store. Each day I will open at eleven so I can sleep in. Ginger (her dog) will come to work with me every day and there will be a cappuccino machine. I will have a nanny to watch the baby while I shop estate sales for fabulous vintage items.
Me: Yeah, well when I'm thirty-six my book will be purchased by Showtime, made into a TV series and then a movie. With my millions, I buy a fabulous farm in Kentucky where "Just Pucking Perfect Pet Rescue" will save millions of lives and then be featured on the Today Show. Impressed by my journalistic raw talent, Matt Lauer will offer me a gig and I will replace Meredith. Forced to buy a penthouse in NYC, I will buy in the same building as Britney and become her BFF. Our connection will lead to my singing back-up to her new song "Let's Have Sex, Boy." My obvious talent will lead to my own record deal. I am now a platinum selling artist walking on stage to receive her Grammy, when Kanye West (who hasn't done anything in years) runs on stage to steal my award. Just then, my baby-daddy/nanny/part-time Latin Lover springs into action and shoots Kanye in the face. We are forced to flee the country and are offered protection by 50 cent. We flee to Italy. My new name is Francesca. I eat pasta every day for the rest of my life.
Her: You win. But I still get to have Leo's baby.
wg
Showing posts with label sister convos. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sister convos. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
texting with my sister. again.
Me: My favorite show, House Hunters, is being ruined by a rash of "young newlyweds looking to start a family." Fuck you, assholes!
Her: Stupid retards! Soon to be fighting over finances and household chores.
Me: Having to compromise everything from what you eat for dinner, to what you watch on TV, to where you live and room in the closet for your shoes!
Her: Wishing they were still single, cursing the day they tied the knot.
Me: Not having sex for weeks but having to sleep next to each other every night, silently wanting to punch them in the face!!
Her: Secretly wanting to murder the other for making you wash their skid-marked underwear.
Me: Losing your will to live because you had a kid with the village idiot.
Her: Masterminding your own suicide while plotting to have an affair asap just so you can go out with a bang.
Me: Selling your wedding dress on eBay to afford your Zanax!
Her: Secretly allowing the medical world to harvest all of your eggs and hiding the profit in a savings account to plot your escape from marital hell, while quietly elated that all your eggs will be gone when he asks if he can knock you up!
Me: Taking out a home equity line of credit so you can soundproof the walk-in closet to use your vibrator in peace, while secretly denying him sex every day just to watch him suffer. Eventually he has no choice but to hire a prostitute; luckily the carpenter who soundproofed your closet is also a private investigator on the side. He snaps plenty of incriminating pictures which you present as "exhibit a" in divorce court and get a huge settlement which you use to buy an island in the Bahamas.
Her: Glorious!
Then, twenty minutes later...
Me: Dammit. I still want a husband one day.
Her: Me, too. Son of a bitch!
wg
Her: Stupid retards! Soon to be fighting over finances and household chores.
Me: Having to compromise everything from what you eat for dinner, to what you watch on TV, to where you live and room in the closet for your shoes!
Her: Wishing they were still single, cursing the day they tied the knot.
Me: Not having sex for weeks but having to sleep next to each other every night, silently wanting to punch them in the face!!
Her: Secretly wanting to murder the other for making you wash their skid-marked underwear.
Me: Losing your will to live because you had a kid with the village idiot.
Her: Masterminding your own suicide while plotting to have an affair asap just so you can go out with a bang.
Me: Selling your wedding dress on eBay to afford your Zanax!
Her: Secretly allowing the medical world to harvest all of your eggs and hiding the profit in a savings account to plot your escape from marital hell, while quietly elated that all your eggs will be gone when he asks if he can knock you up!
Me: Taking out a home equity line of credit so you can soundproof the walk-in closet to use your vibrator in peace, while secretly denying him sex every day just to watch him suffer. Eventually he has no choice but to hire a prostitute; luckily the carpenter who soundproofed your closet is also a private investigator on the side. He snaps plenty of incriminating pictures which you present as "exhibit a" in divorce court and get a huge settlement which you use to buy an island in the Bahamas.
Her: Glorious!
Then, twenty minutes later...
Me: Dammit. I still want a husband one day.
Her: Me, too. Son of a bitch!
wg
Sunday, January 31, 2010
texting with my sister
Her: Wish I had someone to do something with tonight.
Me: I know. I love being single but after last night, I'd go for a boyfriend myself.
Her: Boyfriend? What's a boyfriend.
Me: Supposedly, they are mythical creatures who select one woman and spend time with just her. They have a magical horn called a 'penis'.
Her: A 'penis' you say??? Never heard of it...
Me: They come in all shapes and sizes. That's where the boyfriends keep their brains.
Her: Hmm, sounds like a fascinating yet somewhat daft species.
Me: An endangered species at that. Perhaps you should study them when you get into Harvard.
Her: Indeed.
:) wg
Me: I know. I love being single but after last night, I'd go for a boyfriend myself.
Her: Boyfriend? What's a boyfriend.
Me: Supposedly, they are mythical creatures who select one woman and spend time with just her. They have a magical horn called a 'penis'.
Her: A 'penis' you say??? Never heard of it...
Me: They come in all shapes and sizes. That's where the boyfriends keep their brains.
Her: Hmm, sounds like a fascinating yet somewhat daft species.
Me: An endangered species at that. Perhaps you should study them when you get into Harvard.
Her: Indeed.
:) wg
Sunday, December 27, 2009
why I'm like this 2.0
Sister 1: Not to start a big religious debate, but, don't you ever sometimes wonder what Christmas was all about?
Me: Um, Jesus?
Sister 1: No, but, wasn't Jesus really born in April? So, why do we celebrate it in December?
Sister 2: You just got that from an episode of Bones.
Sister 1: I mean, Christmas is nice because it brings people together, but, what's the big deal?
Me: Well, Jesus was the Messiah, which is kind-of the basis for our faith. Christmas is his birthday.
Sister 1: But, don't you ever wonder sometimes, like, what about the dinosaurs?
It's a good thing we're not on a reality show.
wg
Me: Um, Jesus?
Sister 1: No, but, wasn't Jesus really born in April? So, why do we celebrate it in December?
Sister 2: You just got that from an episode of Bones.
Sister 1: I mean, Christmas is nice because it brings people together, but, what's the big deal?
Me: Well, Jesus was the Messiah, which is kind-of the basis for our faith. Christmas is his birthday.
Sister 1: But, don't you ever wonder sometimes, like, what about the dinosaurs?
It's a good thing we're not on a reality show.
wg
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