tales from therapy...again

Therapist: Tell me why you're here.

Me: I don't trust people.

Therapist: Mmhmm. And, when you say people, do you mean everyone? Or people, specifically?

Me: Specific people. Well, specifically, all people.

Therapist: Mmhmm. Why is that?

Me: How should I know? Aren't you the one with the degree? Hey, where is your degree by the way? I don't see it on the wall. Are you sure you have a degree? What's up with that? What are you hiding? What aren't you telling me? Why would you lie?

Therapist: Well, you get points for being self-aware.

wg

when therapy goes deeply, horribly wrong

Therapist: Well, I think instead of scheduling your next appointment, we should just wait and see how this month goes.

Me: What are you saying?

Therapist: I think you've made significant progress. You've come to some very poignant understandings during our time together. And, frankly, we just spent twenty minutes discussing the weather.

Me: So, you don't want to see me anymore?

Therapist: No, that's not it. I just don't know if I see a reason for our meetings to continue on a weekly basis.

Me: Listen, I've heard this line before. The old "It's not you, it's me" routine. Well, no shit. It is me. I'm the one who made the first appointment. I'm a mess. Don't you see? I still need you.

Therapist: Actually, I don't think you do.

Me: Don't you tell me who I am or what I need!

Therapist: This is not about needing. This is not about personal identity. I am trying to tell you that you came to me with certain goals and I believe you have achieved them.

Me: Fine. (Huff.)

Therapist: You look upset.

Me: I am upset! I really thought we had a good thing going!!!

Therapist: We do! We can still have sessions occasionally.

Me: Yeah, when you're not too busy with a new client. I came here for help reconciling ending relationship and here you are putting an end to us!

Therapist: Maybe we do need to keep seeing each other. Is next Thursday good for you?

Me: Well, if you insist.

wg

tales from therapy

Therapist: Thinking is your brain's way of trying to process emotions.

Me: My brain doesn't process. It only replays images in my head over and over again to scrutinize. No actual processing takes place. Just irrational, non-stop analyzing.

Therapist: So I'm guessing you don't use thinking as a relaxation technique.

Me: (Snort. Eye roll.)

Therapist: Well, we need to change your way of thinking.

Me: Good luck. Many Republicans have come before you with similar intent, and failed.

Therapist: I was thinking more along the lines of "emotional observation."

Me: What the fudge is that?

Therapist: Instead of saying, "Why did this person leave me" or "What did I do wrong", you should try just making a simple observation about your feelings.

Me: I feel this is awkward.

Therapist: Ok, now we are getting somewhere. So next time you think, "Why did MLL give up on our relationship", you should stop and say to yourself, "I feel disappointed. I did not see that coming."

Me: Whoa.

Therapist: Yes. If you can just label your emotion from the get-go, you won't drive yourself crazy with the questioning. The questioning leads to over-analyzing, which isn't helpful. Just label it from the start.

Me: I feel speechless.

Therapist: Much better. Except, we've got thirty more minutes, so you might think up something else to discuss.

Me: I feel pressured. I already told you about my ex-boyfriends and my dead mom. What else do you want?

Therapist: (Sigh. Eye Roll.)

wg

guilty pleasure

Everyone has a guilty pleasure. It's not something you let yourself have all the time, but something that's so worth it once you give in.

My list includes cereal with ice cold milk, trashy reality television, adolescent fiction novels and therapy.

Yes, therapy.

What is better than one whole hour of getting to talk about yourself to a stranger who is forced to listen? It's awesum.

Much like today's session:

Therapist: I hear you saying you don't trust men.

Me: Um, obviously. They lie. They have no follow-through. They can't apologize. They are cowards.

Therapist: How did you arrive at these conclusions?

Me: My past. Check your notes, dude, it's all over the place.

Therapist: You need to stop setting expectations for men. Understand that they are wimps when it comes to emotional conflicts. They tend to run away from these responsibilities. You need to give them permission to come forward with their feelings even if it will hurt you.

Me: Did you just tell me to give a man permission to be an asshole?

Therapist: You just told me that them lying to you and doing things behind your back made them assholes. Do you want them to be honest, or be deceitful?

Me: Are those really my only options? (Pause.) This is going to take longer than I thought.

wg