where you been so long?

I feel like I just woke up from a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad dream. Seriously. I'm now taking two different medications and for the first time in a long time, I feel happy.

Well, maybe I shouldn't say I feel happy. Rather, I feel like I am allowed to be happy. I've been living my life in this down place for so long. I just get used to it. It's weird how when I do feel good, my brain will think of things to get me down because that's all I know. Life is sad, after all, right?

No! It doesn't have to be. And I don't want my life to be sad anymore. So even though other people don't get it, or won't get it, I'm just going to keep taking my medicine, seeing my therapist, and talking myself down from the ledge until I can learn to think the opposite way. I will train my brain to think happy thoughts when I am sad, instead of the reverse.

I am also going to own up to things. I haven't taken the best care of myself for many years now and I have taken advantage of my friends. But, I'm also going to speak up for the little girl I used to be. She got jipped. And I don't care if you think I'm a martyr or a victim or a headcase, because the truth is, what I experienced as a child was deeply traumatic.

Waking up on Christmas Day at ten years old only to sit in your father's lap and hear him say that your mother is dead has a lasting impact. Not being allowed to express your feelings in the years after her death has a lasting impact. Living with people who don't allow you to grieve has a lasting impact. Up until now, I've just been a ticking time bomb.

This fall it was tick, tick, boom.

I met CB and my world fell apart. Not in an amazing way. In a terrible, awful, no good, very bad way. I was so happy to be with him and then I woke up one morning to a paralyzing fear. An irrational fear. A fear that was so deep that I didn't eat or sleep for over a week. I woke up every day and wondered if today would be the day that I would kill myself. Seriously.

But, I made it. Here I am. Take a good look.

I'm happy and healthy. For the first time in a long time, I've met someone who I genuinely want to commit to and love. I'm not usually the girl to fall head over heels or the girl who wants to make it all about a boyfriend. But, suddenly, it feels so nice to just want to be with somebody who wants to be with me. I'm back to the happy I had when we first met.

And if I go back to the terrible, awful, no good, very bad dream, next time I will know how to wake myself up.

wg

silver lining

I just realized how much my new outlook on life and treating my mental health with medication would piss off Tom Cruise. Suddenly, things are looking up.

wg

then again

Now my other doctor told me she suspects I have Adult ADD (Inattentive Type) which, when left untreated, leads to compulsive cognitive behavior and overwhelming physical anxiety.

ADD/OCD/ETC

I feel like a mental bowl of alphabet soup.

wg

oc...what?

According to my Holy Trinity of Mental Health (i.e. my psychiatrist, therapist and general practitioner), I have the following mood disorders:

1. Dysthymia (chronic depression, no shock there)
2. Generalized Anxiety Disorder (eek! What does that mean???)

and...

3. Mild OCD

Bizarre, right? But it turns out that certain things I always thought were personality quirks are actually symptoms of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I don't mean what you typically think of when you hear OCD - couting, tapping, checking locked doors, organizing objects, etc - but rather my cognitive behavior.

Here are my OCD tendencies:

1. Perfectionism
2. A rigid sense of right and wrong
3. Constant worrying
4. Over analyzing
5. Strongly opinionated
6. Wanting everything to be defined/in the right place/labeled

among other things.

I never really thought that those could be symptoms of OCD. Pretty interesting to learn. I think the golden nugget in all this information is that I can truly change those things about myself. I'm not just stuck with these character flaws.

And for the first time in my life, I think I can change.

wg

the only man for me

Even though I'm getting a new foster dog today, and I promise to give you guys lots of updates, let's just take a minute to remember the one who started it all.

wg

death to debbie downer

Why do people feel the need to bring people down? Can't you just keep your mouth shut?

Me: I'm so excited! I'm getting a new foster dog next week.

Co-Worker 1: Why would you do that? The last one tore up your blinds.

Co-Worker 2: There goes all your freedom!

Co-Worker 3: A basset hound? It's going howl while you're at work all day.

Co-Worker 4: Shelter dogs always come with problems, anyways. Good luck.

It's pretty hard to just smile and nod when inside you are screaming, "Screw you, assholes!"

wg

when the honeymoon is over

Chef Boyardee and I have been dating for almost four months now. It's been an interesting start to a relationship.

I had a mental breakdown, and I don't mean that to sound facetious. I honestly had a prolonged anxiety attack and went into a depressive state where I was barely able to function. Poor, sweet Chef Boyardee. Here he was with a girlfriend for only a month, who was laying on the floor of his bathroom saying she didn't want to live anymore.

Meanwhile, he's been dealing with car problems and a promotion at work. The promotion is great, but it means he is working more than ever. Business is good and that's wonderful. The food at his restaurant is uh-MAZE-ing. (And no, he doesn't really cook for me. Women always say they want to date a man who can cook, but what you want to do is date a man who doesn't cook for a living. CB can cook his ass off, but he doesn't want to do it at home. Can you blame him? The last thing I want to do at home is teach a thirteen-year-old how to write. Dating a chef means you barely get to see him, you don't get to go out on the weekends, and you eat a lot of late night fast food! But, it's what you do when you love someone.)

One thing I'm big on is making sure the time we get to spend together is quality time. For example, I don't like just hanging out at his work, which I used to do a lot. He gets distracted too easily and I often just sit there feeling out of place. I don't like for us to just sit and watch television. The good thing about CB is that he is up for just about anything, and he has a lot of energy. That's why when I plan things like picnics, movie marathons, and fancy dinner date night, he always just grins and says yes.

It's not as exciting as it was in the start. Sometimes I feel like the beginning was a dream, and I woke up in a relationship with someone I don't even know. Because I'm a person who runs from relationships, I'm just getting used to this "end of the honeymoon" phase. This is usually the point where I run. I'm afraid of truly getting to know someone and letting them truly know me.

But, I'm going to try.

wg