Don't you hate that there are some things you just can't put on the internet? A part of me has wanted to blog about this for some time, but I've resisted.
You never really know who reads your blog. And even though certain people have made it VERY OBVIOUS that they do not want to be my friend anymore, I can't help but wonder if every now and then they try to find out what I'm up to on one of the endless social networking sites we are all addicted to these days. I sincerely doubt it. But I sometimes wonder.
I've had to cut my internet habits down quite a bit. I realized early in this year that it is ridiculous to publicly rank your friends in order of importance on a website. I realized it is also ridiculous to determine your self worth based on where you land in a "top friends" list.
You'd think this was something I discovered earlier in life. In some place like middle school, perhaps? But I've never been treated this way by girls before. It was always the boys who hurt my heart. Girls were always a go-to comfort for me.
I've never been so purposefully pushed away. I've never felt like I wasn't good enough. I've never been told I was "too much drama". I've never met people who don't accept apologies. I've never been held to high standards by girls who don't hold themselves to the same.
Basically, in my life thus far, I've been spoiled.
My big sisters always protected me. Even though we bickered as kids, Janine always made me feel like a priority in her life. She always made sure that no one hurt me and that I never hurt myself. Levana constantly gave me the courage to be different and take risks. She's always been my rock star.
Hilary is basically the closest thing I have to a soul mate. It's an incredible blessing for me to have someone so insightful and understanding in my life. She always makes me want to be the best Lindsay I can be, and she always makes me feel like it's okay when I'm not. In fact, she tells me it's ridiculous to think there is a part of me that isn't good.
The plethora of other ladies in my life are also insanely incredible. Hanging out with Heather, my one college friend, is like being with a sillier, slightly more neurotic version of me. No one laughs at me more than she does. No one remembers me in the positive more than my British buddy. Kat, my Peace Corps African Queen, found time in the midst of her travels to help Aids orphans to respond to my tearful letters about a boy and a broken heart. My cousin Star and I have been freakishly linked since we were babies, and it's nice to have someone in your life who is able to pick up wherever you left off.
Then there's my church friends ... Jami, Laura, Marcia ... I can't really say enough about how our friendship stood the test of time since our days as kids at FPC. They are my positive Ocala association, along with Jenni, who fills my memory with crazy band trips and days at FHS. My Fletcher friends, especially Erin and Lynn, serve as awesome mentors for me in more ways than one in my five years of teaching. Also, my internet gals who leave me comments and make me feel like my life is worth reading about ... I heart you bunches!
The boys are good to me, too. Danny, who still takes an active interest in my life and encourages me to find time in each day to dance around the house in my underwear. My brothers, Joe and Jeremy, who laugh at my jokes and give me big, reassuring hugs. The guys at work, who listen to my dating issues and buy me beers and paint my bookshelves, find ways to make me smile when I'm about to cross over the line.
Even with all this wonderfulness in my life, even with all these fabulous friends of mine ... what these girls did still really hurt. I know that I made mistakes that hurt them as well. I know that I made mistakes and said hurtful things. What I don't know is why they didn't accept my apologies. What I don't know is why they think I'm a bad person. What I don't know is why I wasn't good enough to be their friend anymore.
The bottom line is that I am a good person. I know this to be true. One on hand, I know my friends spoiled me because I do not have the best communication skills, and they always forgive me and love me just the same. But ... I do the same for them. And I will always do that for them. They are good people. No one is perfect. There are a million reasons, but simply... that is what friends do.
Do these girls know how much it hurts to be pushed away? I think they do. They made choices that I can't control. It's not up to me.
In most breakups, I claim the title of Victim. It's role I've comfortably found myself playing a lot in my life. It's not something I'm proud of. This time, however, I am determined not to let myself think I am a victim of their mean girl behavior. After all, every break up ends in a lesson. My lesson for this - my friends are perfect, fabulous, and irreplaceable in every way. I will continue to think this for every new friend I make.
I will continue to love all my friends. I will love the new and the old. I will love the people who no longer love me. I will love the people who never loved me.
Because I am Lindsay, and because that is what I do.