Saturday, January 29, 2011

then again

Now my other doctor told me she suspects I have Adult ADD (Inattentive Type) which, when left untreated, leads to compulsive cognitive behavior and overwhelming physical anxiety.


I feel like a mental bowl of alphabet soup.


Tuesday, January 25, 2011


According to my Holy Trinity of Mental Health (i.e. my psychiatrist, therapist and general practitioner), I have the following mood disorders:

1. Dysthymia (chronic depression, no shock there)
2. Generalized Anxiety Disorder (eek! What does that mean???)


3. Mild OCD

Bizarre, right? But it turns out that certain things I always thought were personality quirks are actually symptoms of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I don't mean what you typically think of when you hear OCD - couting, tapping, checking locked doors, organizing objects, etc - but rather my cognitive behavior.

Here are my OCD tendencies:

1. Perfectionism
2. A rigid sense of right and wrong
3. Constant worrying
4. Over analyzing
5. Strongly opinionated
6. Wanting everything to be defined/in the right place/labeled

among other things.

I never really thought that those could be symptoms of OCD. Pretty interesting to learn. I think the golden nugget in all this information is that I can truly change those things about myself. I'm not just stuck with these character flaws.

And for the first time in my life, I think I can change.


Wednesday, January 19, 2011

the only man for me

Even though I'm getting a new foster dog today, and I promise to give you guys lots of updates, let's just take a minute to remember the one who started it all.


Friday, January 14, 2011

death to debbie downer

Why do people feel the need to bring people down? Can't you just keep your mouth shut?

Me: I'm so excited! I'm getting a new foster dog next week.

Co-Worker 1: Why would you do that? The last one tore up your blinds.

Co-Worker 2: There goes all your freedom!

Co-Worker 3: A basset hound? It's going howl while you're at work all day.

Co-Worker 4: Shelter dogs always come with problems, anyways. Good luck.

It's pretty hard to just smile and nod when inside you are screaming, "Screw you, assholes!"


Saturday, January 8, 2011

when the honeymoon is over

Chef Boyardee and I have been dating for almost four months now. It's been an interesting start to a relationship.

I had a mental breakdown, and I don't mean that to sound facetious. I honestly had a prolonged anxiety attack and went into a depressive state where I was barely able to function. Poor, sweet Chef Boyardee. Here he was with a girlfriend for only a month, who was laying on the floor of his bathroom saying she didn't want to live anymore.

Meanwhile, he's been dealing with car problems and a promotion at work. The promotion is great, but it means he is working more than ever. Business is good and that's wonderful. The food at his restaurant is uh-MAZE-ing. (And no, he doesn't really cook for me. Women always say they want to date a man who can cook, but what you want to do is date a man who doesn't cook for a living. CB can cook his ass off, but he doesn't want to do it at home. Can you blame him? The last thing I want to do at home is teach a thirteen-year-old how to write. Dating a chef means you barely get to see him, you don't get to go out on the weekends, and you eat a lot of late night fast food! But, it's what you do when you love someone.)

One thing I'm big on is making sure the time we get to spend together is quality time. For example, I don't like just hanging out at his work, which I used to do a lot. He gets distracted too easily and I often just sit there feeling out of place. I don't like for us to just sit and watch television. The good thing about CB is that he is up for just about anything, and he has a lot of energy. That's why when I plan things like picnics, movie marathons, and fancy dinner date night, he always just grins and says yes.

It's not as exciting as it was in the start. Sometimes I feel like the beginning was a dream, and I woke up in a relationship with someone I don't even know. Because I'm a person who runs from relationships, I'm just getting used to this "end of the honeymoon" phase. This is usually the point where I run. I'm afraid of truly getting to know someone and letting them truly know me.

But, I'm going to try.