Wednesday, November 9, 2011

I'm pissed

So, I called home on one of my students today. I'm kind of dismayed. This kid has behavior issues. He won't sit still, he won't pay attention, he won't stop talking. Granted, he is in a less-than-stellar class. By far, he is not the worst. However, he is not making it better.

His mother's response?

"He's such a sweet boy. He told me that you let your class run all over you and that he feels bad for you. I asked him Why you don't discipline them more?"

Give me a break.

Is he a sweet child? Yes, I am sure he can be. But I wouldn't call home if there wasn't an issue. If he feels sorry for me, why does he add to the problem? Furthermore, I challenge this parent to come be in a room with 33 teenagers and not have one single issue.

Lately, I feel like they have been running all over me. I'm just tired. I tried positive reinforcement. I tried being strict. I tried giving them boundaries and setting expectations. I did everything every expert has ever written or said. Nothing works. This class is just too full of kids who won't behave. And I am over it.

I am embarrassed that this student noticed it and pointed it out to his parents. These kids have left me no choice. I called 10 parents, emailed 4 more, and went to the dean to let her know I'm not playing around.

I hope it gets better. Because I'm starting to hate my job, and I hate that.


Monday, September 12, 2011

me? compromise?

It's weird. Chef Boyardee and I are moving in together. Well, I guess that isn't so weird. What freaks me out is the fact that I am excited about it.

When I first moved to this town (oh, this glamorous town), it was so I could live with my boyfriend. I didn't want to. I didn't speak up for myself, either. I convinced myself that it was a good idea.

Well, it wasn't.

Living with him was HORRIBLE. Do you hear me, world? HORRIBLE! The first night we moved in, we got into a huge fight and he didn't talk to me for three days. It just spiraled down from there. I didn't help the situation by not taking care of myself and ignoring all the warning signs.

When I left, it was the best feeling ever. EVER. I remember sitting with Puck and Zoey, my dog and cat, and telling them, "This is how it was always supposed to be." I swore I'd never live with a boy again, unless I had a big, diamond ring and pre-nuptual agreement.

And I did.

Sure, it's great, at times. I love living alone and making a mess and walking around in the nude. I love being 100% responsible for me and not having to compromise on what tv show to watch or what to eat for dinner. It is all about Me! Me! Me!

But that gets old.

You can go the entire weekend and realize the only conversation you've held since Friday night is with the cat. If the electricity goes out, there is no one around to hold the flashlight while you try to cook dinner. And don't even thing about being sick. No one brings you ginger ale or a cold wash cloth. You have to drag your sick ass up off the couch and do it yourself. Not fun.

So, along comes this boy.

And it is So. Completely. Different. I find myself wanting to be a person who shares things. I want to take care of him and let him take care of me. That doesn't mean it is easy. I still don't trust him to get things done. I don't trust him to put my feelings before his own or remember to clean out the cat litter.

But, I think it will be okay.

I really think it will be okay.


Wednesday, July 27, 2011

why it is easy to love him

Me: My animals make me so happy.
Him: Don't I make you happy?
Me: Ehh...
Him: Oh, I see.
Me: Don't take it personal.
Him: Well, one day I will buy you a big house so you can fill it up with animals. Then you will be super happy. And why? Because of me!
Me: Yes, booboo. That would make me happy.
Him: Or a hoarder.


Friday, June 17, 2011

real housewives of jacksonville

If my life was a crazy (staged yet addictive) so-called-reality tv show like the Real Housewives, what would I say to the women I've met in Jacksonville? If we were all on one stage, champagne glasses in hand and guns at the ready...would I be able to articulate how I feel?

Here goes my say at the reunion:

1) Tara - I wish I had seen through you sooner. You told so many lies. You were horrible to Tonya and I don't know how or why. You did hurtful things to me and were then suprised when I didn't want to be your "facebook friend" anymore. Maybe it's because you didn't have sisters, maybe it's because you had a shitty childhood, but I think you need to stop and consider why you don't have any long-term girlfriends. I hope you find whatever you are looking for in life, and stop screwing over the people who were there for you.

2) Stephanie - I'm sorry. Really, I am. I am sorry that I was dramatic and insecure. I am sorry that things were so misunderstood. I am sorry that I said judgmental things to you and that I didn't call you out on the judgmental things you said to me. It has taken me awhile to figure out that I can't expect people who don't know me to understand why I act a certain way. I wish you all the best and hope that you and FP sail off into the sunset together.

3) Summer - I wish I had stood up to you a few weeks ago when you made comments about my relationships. Jon is wonderful. Will it be that way forever? I don't know. But right now, I just love him and want to be happy. He is a big part of that for me, and it doesn't make me bad or codependent or naive. It just makes me happy. So be happy for me, and keep your opinions to yourself.

4) Erin - I just love you. You have been there for me throughout the years and you are the definition of a friend. I have never met a better secret keeper and I adore you for that! Truly, I hope we remain friends for a long time.

5) Tammy - I think you are crazy and fun and trustworthy and gorgeous. I wish you knew that about yourself. I want you to see how wonderful you are and let that person take over. No more mourning over your lost relationship, no more letting men treat you like shit. It's time for Tammy to step back in and stop settling.

Stay tuned for next season...

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

adventures in fostering

Meet my third foster dog, Sharpie aka Charlie. He was going to be euthenized at the shelter. I drove down there to get him. He looked small in his picture, so imagine my shock when this fella walked out!

He is a one year old American Bulldog, Chinese Sharpei mix. He is as yummy as free chinee deliveree! He was found as a stray, but he obviously had owners. He knows how to sit and stay, walk on a leash, and he's housebroken. How did he end up on the street?

When I saw him, I was a little nervous. Charlie is a "bully breed", which just means he has some time of "bull" breed in him (bull dog, pit bull, bull mastiff, etc). These dogs makes wonderful pets, they just need a firm handler. Could that be me? But once I figured out that Charlie was willing to listen, I felt more confident.

He came to my parents house overnight, and it was a house full of dogs! Four dogs in total, and three of them were my fosters! My parents adopted Al, my first foster dog and I'm keeping Ruby, my second. Ginger, my sister's dog was there, too. Charlie was a powerhouse among the dogs, and his growl was really scary at first. However, it was obvious that he only wanted to play with his new friends.

After picking him up at the shelter, driving him to Ocala, spending the night at a strange place, putting him back in the car, taking him into my house and letting him meet the cat - you would've thought he would flip! But no, it was my calm little Ruby who let it all get to her. She growled and snapped at both me and Charlie. Then she had (another) stress-enduced seizure.

Switch into mama mode! I held my little baby as she shook and drooled. It lasted about a minute. I began to regret my decision to take in a foster dog. What was I doing to Ruby?

I called another volunteer from the shelter and she calmed me down. She encouraged me to give the situation another chance and be patient. Sure enough, when I came home from work the next day, both dogs were asleep in their crates. Later that night, they ran around and played like nothing had happened! New best buddies.

As much as I love Charlie, I know I can't keep him. He's too big for my house. He needs a home with a confident owner who can give him the space and attention he needs to live out his life. Now I am trying to find him that perfect forever home.


UPDATE: Charlie found a great home in Tampa with a great couple. Will post a picture soon.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

shouldn't i be in panic mode?

Step One: Receive giant blow to salary thanks to asshole governor in nation's dumbest state.

Step Two: Accept fact that, due to recent salary cuts, you can no longer afford to live in your measly one-bedroom condo.

Step Three: Imagine a scandal of Tiger Woods proportion for said Governor.

Step Four: Find a realtor and list condo for $90,000 less than financed.

Step Five: Clean! Clean! Clean!

Step Six: Have six showings in five days.

Step Seven: Have a cow when you get an offer on day six.

Step Eight: Discuss moving in with Chef Boyfriend.

Step Nine: Start searching craigslist for awesome new places to live in town that does not value my contribution to our community.

Step Ten: Dream about living at the beach. Sign paperwork. Pray bank doesn't hate me.

Rinse, wash, repeat.


Friday, April 15, 2011

if you have kids, you must

read this blog.

It is written by a woman who wrote the definition for "best friend." Luckily, her BFF is me. Her blog is full of helpful hints for moms. She says that moms need a friend in their corner when they are being given advice from a million other sources.

So don't be scared to ask her a question. Trust me, Hilary is not a person who judges. (She leaves that up to me.) I plan to give her my children to raise them from infancy to age five. If they turn out anything like her three beautiful babies, I'll be happy.

I am also quite happy that her oldest, one Miss Kennedy Lindsay, is so much like her namesake. She's a tiny pig-loving, grudge-holding, emotion-emoting child.

Of course, she is also gorgeous and brilliant. Again, she gets that from me.

Her big heart? That's all from mom.


Tuesday, April 12, 2011

unruly helpmeet

I found a link to the "Keep Calm-o-Matic" website on one of my favorite blogs, unruly helpmeet. We've all seen the "Keep Calm and Carry On" poster from the British guv'mnt in
WW2. Now you can make your own.

I think mine speaks very much of me.

Keep Calm-o-matic poster generation

striking a match

Last night, CB and I were having dinner at one of my favorite beach restaurants. Fish tacos. Um num num.

Fish tacos made me think back to my profile. I wrote about my love of fish tacos and my hatred of raw onions. I also wrote about how I loathe road construction and secretly live for celebrity gossip. Not entirely substantial, but enough to get me a wink from CB.

I saw his profile and thought, "Ok. I'll give him a shot." Truth be told, I almost didn't respond. (To my credit, he was listed as a Conservative Catholic. 'Nuff said.)

But I wrote back, and ever since then, it's as if he's been in my life forever. He's my best friend. I just have fun when I'm with him. I want to be around him. Prior relationships in my life were just about the companionship or the self-esteem boost I got from knowing someone liked me. Something always missing. But what?

With CB, I found it. Whatever it might be, we have it. So, with a mouthful of fish tacos, I looked at him and thought, "How cool is it that we found each other?"


Thursday, April 7, 2011


I don't need a snotty attitude.

I don't need to give you my life story.

I don't need your judgment.

I don't need to explain myself to you.

I don't need to listen to your lecture.

I don't need to explain to you why my insurance changed.

I don't need to tell you why I waited to start birth control.

I don't need to be spoken to like an idiot.

All I need is a refill on my prescription, you stupid, self-righteous nurse from my ob-gyn office.

Thank you,
The Working Girl

Wednesday, April 6, 2011


Awe Sum Nation...

What do you want me to write about?

I am suddenly out of things to say.


Sunday, March 6, 2011

craigslist killer

Is anyone else a craigslist stalker?

I swear, the amount of time I spend cruising on craigslist is re-effing-diculous. For some strange reason I am very intrigued by what people are selling. Or buying. Or trading. Or wanting. And all of the above.

Even though I'm only qualified to teach or write, I check out all the jobs. I love my car, but I am looking at vehicles. I'm stuck in my condo, but man, do I love the real estate section. Home decor, garage sales, personal ads - what's not to want?

I just love getting a glimpse into people's lives. It reminds me of taking walks with my grandmother. She loved people who left the curtains open. Getting a look into their homes was one of her favorite sighting. And here I sit, wrapped in the afghan she made me, spying in a 2011 kind of way.

I bet she's proud.


Saturday, February 19, 2011

seriously, internet? i thought we were friends

I'm bored.

It's Saturday...just waiting for CB to get out of work.

I google myself out of curiosity.

Because my name is so unusual, real information about me pops up.

Then I start googling my family.

Real info about them is on the internets, too.

I google other people.

I become a google maniac.

I google everyone.

Well, almost everyone.

Still one name I have yet to try.

So, I google my mom.

And the only thing I can find is from, with a picture of her headstone and a copy of her obituary.

I need to stop searching for things.


Saturday, February 12, 2011

where you been so long?

I feel like I just woke up from a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad dream. Seriously. I'm now taking two different medications and for the first time in a long time, I feel happy.

Well, maybe I shouldn't say I feel happy. Rather, I feel like I am allowed to be happy. I've been living my life in this down place for so long. I just get used to it. It's weird how when I do feel good, my brain will think of things to get me down because that's all I know. Life is sad, after all, right?

No! It doesn't have to be. And I don't want my life to be sad anymore. So even though other people don't get it, or won't get it, I'm just going to keep taking my medicine, seeing my therapist, and talking myself down from the ledge until I can learn to think the opposite way. I will train my brain to think happy thoughts when I am sad, instead of the reverse.

I am also going to own up to things. I haven't taken the best care of myself for many years now and I have taken advantage of my friends. But, I'm also going to speak up for the little girl I used to be. She got jipped. And I don't care if you think I'm a martyr or a victim or a headcase, because the truth is, what I experienced as a child was deeply traumatic.

Waking up on Christmas Day at ten years old only to sit in your father's lap and hear him say that your mother is dead has a lasting impact. Not being allowed to express your feelings in the years after her death has a lasting impact. Living with people who don't allow you to grieve has a lasting impact. Up until now, I've just been a ticking time bomb.

This fall it was tick, tick, boom.

I met CB and my world fell apart. Not in an amazing way. In a terrible, awful, no good, very bad way. I was so happy to be with him and then I woke up one morning to a paralyzing fear. An irrational fear. A fear that was so deep that I didn't eat or sleep for over a week. I woke up every day and wondered if today would be the day that I would kill myself. Seriously.

But, I made it. Here I am. Take a good look.

I'm happy and healthy. For the first time in a long time, I've met someone who I genuinely want to commit to and love. I'm not usually the girl to fall head over heels or the girl who wants to make it all about a boyfriend. But, suddenly, it feels so nice to just want to be with somebody who wants to be with me. I'm back to the happy I had when we first met.

And if I go back to the terrible, awful, no good, very bad dream, next time I will know how to wake myself up.


Saturday, February 5, 2011

silver lining

I just realized how much my new outlook on life and treating my mental health with medication would piss off Tom Cruise. Suddenly, things are looking up.


Saturday, January 29, 2011

then again

Now my other doctor told me she suspects I have Adult ADD (Inattentive Type) which, when left untreated, leads to compulsive cognitive behavior and overwhelming physical anxiety.


I feel like a mental bowl of alphabet soup.


Tuesday, January 25, 2011


According to my Holy Trinity of Mental Health (i.e. my psychiatrist, therapist and general practitioner), I have the following mood disorders:

1. Dysthymia (chronic depression, no shock there)
2. Generalized Anxiety Disorder (eek! What does that mean???)


3. Mild OCD

Bizarre, right? But it turns out that certain things I always thought were personality quirks are actually symptoms of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I don't mean what you typically think of when you hear OCD - couting, tapping, checking locked doors, organizing objects, etc - but rather my cognitive behavior.

Here are my OCD tendencies:

1. Perfectionism
2. A rigid sense of right and wrong
3. Constant worrying
4. Over analyzing
5. Strongly opinionated
6. Wanting everything to be defined/in the right place/labeled

among other things.

I never really thought that those could be symptoms of OCD. Pretty interesting to learn. I think the golden nugget in all this information is that I can truly change those things about myself. I'm not just stuck with these character flaws.

And for the first time in my life, I think I can change.


Wednesday, January 19, 2011

the only man for me

Even though I'm getting a new foster dog today, and I promise to give you guys lots of updates, let's just take a minute to remember the one who started it all.


Friday, January 14, 2011

death to debbie downer

Why do people feel the need to bring people down? Can't you just keep your mouth shut?

Me: I'm so excited! I'm getting a new foster dog next week.

Co-Worker 1: Why would you do that? The last one tore up your blinds.

Co-Worker 2: There goes all your freedom!

Co-Worker 3: A basset hound? It's going howl while you're at work all day.

Co-Worker 4: Shelter dogs always come with problems, anyways. Good luck.

It's pretty hard to just smile and nod when inside you are screaming, "Screw you, assholes!"


Saturday, January 8, 2011

when the honeymoon is over

Chef Boyardee and I have been dating for almost four months now. It's been an interesting start to a relationship.

I had a mental breakdown, and I don't mean that to sound facetious. I honestly had a prolonged anxiety attack and went into a depressive state where I was barely able to function. Poor, sweet Chef Boyardee. Here he was with a girlfriend for only a month, who was laying on the floor of his bathroom saying she didn't want to live anymore.

Meanwhile, he's been dealing with car problems and a promotion at work. The promotion is great, but it means he is working more than ever. Business is good and that's wonderful. The food at his restaurant is uh-MAZE-ing. (And no, he doesn't really cook for me. Women always say they want to date a man who can cook, but what you want to do is date a man who doesn't cook for a living. CB can cook his ass off, but he doesn't want to do it at home. Can you blame him? The last thing I want to do at home is teach a thirteen-year-old how to write. Dating a chef means you barely get to see him, you don't get to go out on the weekends, and you eat a lot of late night fast food! But, it's what you do when you love someone.)

One thing I'm big on is making sure the time we get to spend together is quality time. For example, I don't like just hanging out at his work, which I used to do a lot. He gets distracted too easily and I often just sit there feeling out of place. I don't like for us to just sit and watch television. The good thing about CB is that he is up for just about anything, and he has a lot of energy. That's why when I plan things like picnics, movie marathons, and fancy dinner date night, he always just grins and says yes.

It's not as exciting as it was in the start. Sometimes I feel like the beginning was a dream, and I woke up in a relationship with someone I don't even know. Because I'm a person who runs from relationships, I'm just getting used to this "end of the honeymoon" phase. This is usually the point where I run. I'm afraid of truly getting to know someone and letting them truly know me.

But, I'm going to try.