Monday, August 23, 2010

back at it

Me: Can I help you find something?

Student: I'm looking for Room 23.

Me: You found it.

Student: Where?

Me: This room. It's number 23.

Student: No, that's where I'm going.

Me: But you're already here.

Student: Where?

Me: Room 23.

Student: Yeah, where's that?

Me: (Sigh) Go ask the teacher next door.


Tuesday, August 10, 2010

gettin' old

This Friday, my sister will turn thirty on the same day my father turns sixty. She was born on his 30th birthday. Trippy, right?

I don't know if they are ready for this birthday or not. Personally, I was always jealous of this bond. I didn't share a birthday with anyone; not that as the youngest of three girls I was really that great at sharing.

But still, I wanted a piece of that story. To know that exciting day happened before I was even a thought in my parents' minds used to drive me crazy.

It wasn't until I hit 28 that I truly felt like an "adult". Somewhat ridiculous, seeing as how I started my career at 22 and bought my house at 24. Retirement plans and mortgage payments - how much more adult can I get? However, becoming the grand old age of 28 hit me from no where.

All of the sudden, there is this enormous pressure. Not necessarily to get married or have babies or any of that, but just this pressure to DO SOMETHING AMAZING before I get to the point of being married and having babies. (Or having lots of puppies instead. I'm still undecided.)

As adult as I feel, I still sometimes feel like a kid. Yesterday, while checking my mail, I tripped on the sidewalk and skinned my knee. All I wanted was a Barbie band-aid and a hug from my mom. All I got was a sideways glance from my neighbor and a loud meow from my cat.

If you stop feeling young, are you destined to always feel old? When did all of this happen, anyway?


Sunday, August 8, 2010

I know, write

I spent this weekend at the UNF Writers Conference. It was my first time at any writers conference and I am now even further in love with words. Meeting people with a similar appreciation for your creative outlet is extremely powerful. Moreso, everyone was friendly and happy to read your work!

I worked with a small critique group of other young adult writers. Their feedback was beyond constructive. I now believe I truly have the power to finish my manuscript and start the query process. And - BONUS - now I know what 'query' means.

My critique group was lead by Kristin Hamel. Her willingness to share was truly priceless. She is the author of six books, including her two YA Novels, When You Wish and After. Go buy her books!

I really can't say enough wonderful things about the conference. Definitely a sum of awe time.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

long distance provider

Most of my serious relationships have been long distance. I kind of miss having a long distance relationship. Have you ever had one? Seriously. They are awwwwwwesum.

Dear Potential Boyfriends in Far Away Lands,

These are the top ten reasons I think long distance relationships kick ass:

10. You do not need to be up in my shit; I don't need to be up in your shit. Geography makes this possible.

9. I love exploring new places and you can show off your town. Let's yelp the night away!!

8. We can have hot phone sex while I wear my sweatpants/sports bra combo and you can picture whatever you want instead.

7. Leg shaving only becomes important on the weekends we see each other. This guarantees you nothing but smooth gams.

6. My work schedule gives me weekends, Christmas, spring break, and the whole summer off. Really, baby, I'm available.

5. Having a long distance relationship lengthens the amount of time we spend together before we feel comfortable enough to pee in front of each other. Pee-watching, if you didn't know, is a sign that romance has left the building.

4. Alternatively, we will probably have to live together when we are visiting each other. This is good test run for the know, the one I've planned where we get married and have babies and buy a minivan!!!

(Just kidding.)


(Well, definitely about the mini-van.)

3. Internet porn is totally understandable when your girlfriend is miles away. Go right ahead, my love!

2. Remember when your parents saved up all their pennies to take you on a Florida beach vacation? That's my backyard.

1. I'm sure that there is a man for me out there, but the possibility of him living in this town is slim. Therefore, if boys in other regions don't step up the plate, I will die old and alone, with no one but a bitchy cat to mourn me.

So you see, long distance relationships are amazing! Cute, friendly animal lovers with light baggage please apply today.

With love,

Monday, August 2, 2010

effing with disaster

A few years ago, I made friends with a girl who was getting divorced. She was really excited about being single, going to the bars, and talking to boys. This friend was also really into self-help and she researched ways to interest the opposite sex. She shared this method with me:

1. Look up, make eye contact.
2. Look down, appear demure.
3. Look away, but aim your breasts in his direction.

No, really. This supposedly sends signals to the very primitive regions of the male groin and solicit a free drink for the lady with boobs at the ready.

I could never pull it off without erupting in giggles.

This friend of mine didn't need these articles. Articles like that were intended for people like me - those who don't possess the natural ability to flirt. Flirting is not a specialty of mine. She was the kind of person who could just naturally make anyone smile. I am the kind of person who snorts her drink out of her nose.

Granted, as I grow older, I do find ways work my womanly wiles. As a feminist, I know I'm not supposed to be proud of this. In reality, I'm somewhat impressed that I've gotten keys to certain buildings of my work, bookshelves painted in my classroom, free wiper blades from an oil change, and even an occasional shot at the bar.

Mind you, most of this attention comes from middle-aged men who are bored with their wives and jonesing at the fact that a blond-twenty-something will even look in their direction, let alone flip her hair and bat her eyelashes. For me, however, that's progress. Some people just have that natural charm. They walk in a room and everyone wants to be their new BFF. Or get in their pants.

But not me. I'd like to say I'm a fine wine, but I don't seem to get better with age. And the self-help articles are a waste of time. If my boobs are facing an opposite direction, it's probably because I need to buy a new bra.

Flirting is everywhere. There were a lot of flirtatious people at Montreat, and there is a lot of (mostly inappropriate) flirting that goes on in my workplace. As a type this, the barista behind the counter at Starbucks is trying to work it with the guy ordering a grande caramel macchiato. I don't know if I'll ever be able to flirt like the pros. I'll probably continue to do stupid things, like quote Gilmore Girls or get gum stuck in my hair (both true), but oh well.

For now, I'll take the bookshelves and wiper blades.