Friday, November 5, 2010

when you get afraid of waking up

Lately, I haven't wanted to get out of bed. Not shocking for a person living with depression. Especially for a person who doesn't regulate her meds and believes that she can control things without the help of a medical professional.

That idiot?


Well, I haven't wanted to get out of bed due to the depression, but rather, it's been anxiety. Extreme anxiety. Delibilitating anxiety. Cant-go-to-work-because-your-body-is-violently-shaking-anxiety.

I won't tell you what's at the root of my fears. Quite frankly, it's too personal even for my blog, as weird as that sounds.

All I know is that I was so happy in my new relationship, and then one day I woke up and thought, "Wait, you haven't thought about XXX in a week." I then became consumed with the thought and the anxiety that it's been producing ever since has become unbearable.

I'm on medication. I'm seeing a doctor. I have to accept things about myself that I may not want to be true. I am just trying to remain calm throughout the process.

One thing is certain. My new boyfriend? He's amazing. A-MAZ-ING. I never thought I would meet someone so kind and thoughtful, who feels like he was put on the earth for just me. I feel like I was meant to love him at this time in my life. Does that make sense?

Nothing makes sense it seems. But it feels good to know that one day, it will.