won't you hand me a shovel OR i am so in the hole

Seems like every blog starts out about how I don't blog enough.

Perhaps I should come clean.

I am slightly embarassed about my financial situation. Well, embarassed, and stressed out beyond comprehension. So blogging about it means a) admitting to my problem and b) staring it in the face and c) sharing it with strangers.

The situation is this: I am broke. Flat broke. I do not even have 2 cents to my name. I got a refund check in the mail today from Montreat for $10.77 and I cried in relief. I found $8 in cash in my piggy bank and sang eight praise songs. I am so broke.

I have been living off my credit card. This weekend I was in a wedding, and I had to charge all my expenses while I was there. So, further into debt I go. There was the airport parking, the hotel, all my meals, my hair, the taxi ride to the airport, eating at the airport, the hotel in atlanta when I got stuck overnight, and putting gas in my car on the way home. This just frustrates me, because it drives me further away from my goal. But - what choice did I have? I could have said no to being in the wedding, but how do you do that to a friend whom you love? The one thing I should have done differently was NOT get a hotel when I was stranded at the airport. My only excuse was that I'd gotten about nine hours sleep in the past three days, and prior to the two hours flight I sat on the runway for three hours, and I think I was slightly delirious when I arrived in Atlanta at one a.m. to be told I couldn't go back to Jacksonville until 7:30. I should have slept at the airport, but at that point, tired, cranky, ready-to-kill-someone-for-a-pillow Lindsay overruled Working Girl.

I have some options. I could take money off the line of credit I have at the bank, and pay it back in installments. A very sweet friend of mine offered me money, and as freaked out as it makes me to borrow money from people, I feel like I have to do it.

I am really scared. I have like, absolutely no cash. I have become a hermit. I am sitting in the house, afraid to leave because if I drive somewhere, it is gas money and I'm afraid that I'll spend money. I am digging through the pantry to make any and every meal. I have bills to pay, and I'm going to have to negotiate with the companies because I can't make them this month.

This has never happened to me. I am the financially responsible daughter. I am the daughter who got on my sister's case for mismanaging her money. I am the daughter who doesn't make mistakes. Or at least, the one who isn't supposed to make mistakes.

People tell me all the time that I am too hard on myself, and I agree, but I really hate screwing up. I really thought that I would be okay not having a job this summer. I really thought it was okay to go out and spend $40 on clothes in June. I ate out and drank out and spent out - not really thinking about the two weeks I'd go in August without a paycheck. And now I'm scrambling, because now I am screwed.

I hate money.