Monday, February 25, 2008

blood, sweat, and a bucket of clorox tears

A year ago, at this time, I decided enough was enough.

The line in one of my all-time favorite Dashboard songs goes a little something like this: A walking open wound, a trophy display of bruises, and I don't believe that I'm getting any better. Any better.

I did something about it. I wanted to get better. I picked myself up off the bathroom floor, literally, and I got help. I made new friends. I tried new things. I processed my emotions. I prayed. I laughed. I sang (rather poorly) but nonetheless I danced and I smiled.

A year ago, at this time, I decided enough was enough.

Will someone please tell me why my bathroom floor suddenly looks so appealing? Mind you, I can't remember the last time I mopped in there, but the linoleum seems to be yelling at me to crawl down and reminisce again. I even bought a hot pink bath mat, but it's not helping.

I keep trying to fight the fight I've been fighting almost all my life. They say, "just be happy" and it makes me want to scream. I don't like living like this, but it's the comfort I've created. Don't you think if I knew how to get out, I would?

A year ago, at this time, I decided enough was enough.

Is it that time again?

I hope so. I really don't feel like mopping.


Kimberly said...

What are you doing this weekend? Because I feel like you should come to Gainesville and we can talk shit about depression and how we're not letting it ruin (or run) our lives anymore. We'll bitch and maybe cry and possibly blog simultaneously from the same room and then we'll drive around in the convertible and remember that we're ok. And we'll eat ice cream. I'm serious. Because I just went through this exact same monologue with myself all month- I can't possibly be here again, I left it behind...and yet it keeps finding me in the middle of the night.

I genuinely, 100% know what you're talking about. And I think it would help us both to talk about it together.

The Working Girl said...

Most def! I think I might go to Ocala to visit the parents and Gainesville to visit the boyfriend. Plans are sort of up in the air at the moment. But I could definitely use some talk time! Email me your digits.