Sunday, February 14, 2010

only the good

Today (Valentine's) is Puck's birthday. Today, he would've been fifteen. I used to give him lots of cookies and his favorite treat - a big bowl of cat food - accompanied by a birthday belly rub. I never felt sad or lonely on this insipid holiday. I'd always declare Puckers as my Valentine - boyfriend or no boyfriend - because he really was the great love in my life.

Funny. I haven't cried as much as I thought I might since he died. I think depression-era Lindsay would've done nothing but sob relentlessly for weeks. I used to not want to move on from a loss because I believed (irrationally) that I was somehow saying that person wasn't significant. As if, by moving forward, I was declaring I no longer loved those I lost. I lived in that sadness. I lived for that sadness. Sad was the life I knew - the only space I could exist.

Dealing with my depression is an on-going struggle. Today - at this time in my life - I am happier than ever. I can look back at who I was and not want to be her anymore. And that's okay - it's okay to not want to be your old self. My old self breathed pure insecurity and went through every day trying to choke back tears. Old self didn't want to get out of bed, talk to people, or even really live. Yeah, not me anymore. Not for awhile.

Puck hated to hear me cry. It was the only time he would leave my side. Poor guy - depression or no depression I'm a pretty teary person! So, maybe that's why God let him stay with me for so long. I bet Puck waited until he knew I'd be okay. He wouldn't want to watch me sit and cry from Heaven.

Today, pour out a little cat food for my Valentine baby. He lives in my heart, always.



Lauralei said...

it is amazing how our pets inpact our lives - my dog is 9 years old and i dread the day she leaves me

Victoria Maria said...

I'm sorry about Puck, but it is great that you are keeping strong for him. I'm sure he's proud of you.

emilysuze said...

What a beautiful way to remember a dear friend.

Anonymous said...

salam kenal

FemIdeal said...

I'm fostering two cats, myself. They're the exe's. It's pretty soothing now that I sleep alone in a large bed to have them curl up with me at night.
Looking back, what do you think might have changed to make you not want to be depressed anymore. Letting go of something? Some kind of catharsis?

Oh, and check out my blog if you are so willing:

The Working Girl said...

Femideal - For me it was accepting that I had a condition (depression) and getting help. My doctor explained that there are two types of depression:

1. Something bad happens and a person gets sad for a time period, but eventually moves on.


2. A person's brain chemistry is not properly balanced so that when something bad happens, the person does not have the coping skills and will continue to live in a realm of sadness indefinitely.

He said it's like any other disease, so why not treat it? It just clicked for me.

Gosha said...

Hi, I accidentally read this ...
I am so sorry that Puck, can not accept congratulations from you on their birthday, but I'm sure wherever he was, he knew you were not forgotten, and love it.
I know what the pain of loss ...

alahmad said...

Thank you for your wonderful

برامج جديده
توبيكات جديده
رسائل وسائط