Thursday, January 29, 2009

hugs not drugs

Being on anti-depressants is weird.

The majority of the time, I feel great. I don't feel sad all the time. My thoughts are much less overwhelming. The racing thoughts no longer exist. I actually wear mascara because I can go through an entire day without crying.

I no longer live inside an adolescent poem.

(although I still indulge myself in metaphors)

This new life, the majority of the time, is awe sum. I like feeling silly and goofy all the time, as opposed to just some of the time. I like being able to enjoy my day and instead of being consumed by thoughts of neverendingsadnessanddespair. It's like operating in a realm you never knew existed - the realm of normal people who don't feel like killing themselves every three to four weeks.

Who knew a tiny, pink pill was capable of all that?

However, there are those days, those certain days when the sad things come around, and I feel awkwardly out of touch with my old self. For so long, I was sad. I could do sad. Let's face it, I was the master and sad was my bitch! But now, with this medication, I can't crawl back into my sad place. It's a place that I was so used to being able to find in a moment's notice. And now, it's gone.

So what do you do when you're sad, and you can't find the sad place, and that makes you even more sad ...

The pills (obviously) can't control the over-analyzing. It's just that on nights like these, I hope they don't control me. That thought just makes me really ... sad.


emilysuze said...

I love reading the things that you write. You've got a style and voice that makes your topics accessible to those who read your work. Thank you for writing.

Kimberly said...

I wish I knew what to tell you. Other than, I'm there with you and I hope you can figure it out and fill me in. Because I can't function at all without the meds, and I can't function well with them on days like that...

I hope you're doing ok. My default is to stay home and cook real food- like protein and vegetables- and watch the mighty ducks. Something about adolescent hockey helps me feel better.

Call me if you need to talk! My number is on Facebook (which is slightly less public than posting it on a blog)...

The Working Girl said...

Thanks Emily. I'm happy to know someone gets something out of my little blog.

Kim, I know you can understand. My go to used to be crying on the bathroom floor. Now that I don't feel like crying on the bathroom floor, I feel a little lost.

I, too, love the Mighty Ducks, but I think Center Stage is my go-to feel-good movie.