Sunday, April 18, 2010

texting with my sister. again.

Me: My favorite show, House Hunters, is being ruined by a rash of "young newlyweds looking to start a family." Fuck you, assholes!

Her: Stupid retards! Soon to be fighting over finances and household chores.

Me: Having to compromise everything from what you eat for dinner, to what you watch on TV, to where you live and room in the closet for your shoes!

Her: Wishing they were still single, cursing the day they tied the knot.

Me: Not having sex for weeks but having to sleep next to each other every night, silently wanting to punch them in the face!!

Her: Secretly wanting to murder the other for making you wash their skid-marked underwear.

Me: Losing your will to live because you had a kid with the village idiot.

Her: Masterminding your own suicide while plotting to have an affair asap just so you can go out with a bang.

Me: Selling your wedding dress on eBay to afford your Zanax!

Her: Secretly allowing the medical world to harvest all of your eggs and hiding the profit in a savings account to plot your escape from marital hell, while quietly elated that all your eggs will be gone when he asks if he can knock you up!

Me: Taking out a home equity line of credit so you can soundproof the walk-in closet to use your vibrator in peace, while secretly denying him sex every day just to watch him suffer. Eventually he has no choice but to hire a prostitute; luckily the carpenter who soundproofed your closet is also a private investigator on the side. He snaps plenty of incriminating pictures which you present as "exhibit a" in divorce court and get a huge settlement which you use to buy an island in the Bahamas.

Her: Glorious!

Then, twenty minutes later...

Me: Dammit. I still want a husband one day.

Her: Me, too. Son of a bitch!



Amie said...

this had me about to wet myself with laughter. too funny.

D. Ryan said...

that was hilarious!

Phoenix said...

Ha ha ha sisters are the best!

Jules said...

Fuck you are awesome. I am so glad I stumbled upon you!

emilysuze said...

You crack me up! And yes, most of those things have run through my mind since getting hitched.

Thank goodness Chris is addicted to video games so I can have "me" time without him noticing that I'm spending a lot of time in the bedroom. ;)

Anonymous said...

I feel the same way lol