Me: My favorite show, House Hunters, is being ruined by a rash of "young newlyweds looking to start a family." Fuck you, assholes!
Her: Stupid retards! Soon to be fighting over finances and household chores.
Me: Having to compromise everything from what you eat for dinner, to what you watch on TV, to where you live and room in the closet for your shoes!
Her: Wishing they were still single, cursing the day they tied the knot.
Me: Not having sex for weeks but having to sleep next to each other every night, silently wanting to punch them in the face!!
Her: Secretly wanting to murder the other for making you wash their skid-marked underwear.
Me: Losing your will to live because you had a kid with the village idiot.
Her: Masterminding your own suicide while plotting to have an affair asap just so you can go out with a bang.
Me: Selling your wedding dress on eBay to afford your Zanax!
Her: Secretly allowing the medical world to harvest all of your eggs and hiding the profit in a savings account to plot your escape from marital hell, while quietly elated that all your eggs will be gone when he asks if he can knock you up!
Me: Taking out a home equity line of credit so you can soundproof the walk-in closet to use your vibrator in peace, while secretly denying him sex every day just to watch him suffer. Eventually he has no choice but to hire a prostitute; luckily the carpenter who soundproofed your closet is also a private investigator on the side. He snaps plenty of incriminating pictures which you present as "exhibit a" in divorce court and get a huge settlement which you use to buy an island in the Bahamas.
Then, twenty minutes later...
Me: Dammit. I still want a husband one day.
Her: Me, too. Son of a bitch!