Tuesday, April 27, 2010

a spade is a spade OR I am a big, big bitch

When I was a first-year teacher, there was a VP at our school who hated me. Hated me. Seriously - she had it out for me. She was always snippy with me. She chewed me out for things I couldn't control. She would greet everyone in the room except for me.

I used to feel like no matter what I did, it was never good enough. She didn't cut me any slack. She never let me live down a mistake. She came to evaluate me and came with guns blazing.

Think I'm crazy? Paranoid? Ha! She got drunk at our end-of-the-year party in my second year and told me, "I almost fired you last year. You were so disappointing. But now I think you're fabulous."

She then proceeded to order a round of vodka shots and left without paying. I got stuck with the bill. She = Bitch.

People told me it was because she was unhappy or that my principal really liked me. Or maybe she felt threatened? I doubt that. I know I screwed up on occasion. I know I made mistakes. I was 22. I was a brand new teacher. I was disgustingly insecure and inexcusably shy. Not to mention miserable about my life in general. Are you supposed to be another way at age 22? Probably. But I wasn't.

Lately, I feel like I've been a bitch to my intern.

Really, she's a sweet person. She tries so hard. She's going to make a really good teacher. But she let her personal life get in the way of her work. And I haven't let her forget how much that disappointed me.

Yesterday, when she was finishing up some paperwork to graduate and I was teaching, I felt disconnected from my kids and it was so sad. They kept asking when she was coming back. I'm not really a teacher who thrives on the love of her students, but seriously, it hurt my feelings! I guess I never learned to share.

I think my biggest issue is that she and I are the same age. Everyone at my work is shocked to hear me say that. You can see her insecurities from a mile away, and you just don't expect that from someone who is almost thirty. But she is still a student, still learning.

God, I'm the biggest bitch. I couldn't just let things slide with her. She's not a bad teacher. She's still learning and I'm supposed to be teaching. I just need to stick with teaching children. I have no patience for adults. Myself included.

But at least I pay for my own vodka.



kj said...

Don't be so tough on yourself. You'll give her a good send-off and you'll help her see her strengths before she leaves.

This is the toughest time of the school year not to be ornery. The proverbial light at the end of the tunnel is visible, but not close enough. You can smell summer, but you can't taste it.

I'm hoping some day to get to work for someone who buys the tequila, and not the cheap Cuervo crap, either.

Shanel said...

try to be kinder to her if you can.... especially considering the way VP treated you as a newbie... at least you know what the problem is and you know what you need to do.... hope it all works out and gets better.

The Working Girl said...

I've done a lot of reflecting lately about the way I treated her vs. the way the VP treated me. I definitely don't think I've been as rude as my VP was to me, but I could've cut my intern more slack. Thanks for the support - I did get her a really nice going away gift and the kids and I threw her a party! I did apologize, too, for not being the most positive person. Maybe she'll be more forgiving than me.

Unknown said...

I'm sure everything will end up working itself out somehow. Almost everything does, and one of the main things that you can do at this point is basically what buttehead said. "Don't be so touch on yourself." I hope she can be forgiving, but towards the end, at least you did apologize to her and a going away part along with parting gifts were given. Just keep your chin up, and everything will get better.