I swear, I was only going to go in for a minute to return something! But then...I saw it. The devious Buy One Get One Free sale. I could not resist. Temptation took over. I tried so hard to focus on the righteous thing to do - avoid spending money at all cost and run home to blog instead - but, I am weak. I left the store with a bag of merchandise, minus forty dollars in my bank account, some super cute jewelery, cough, I mean, a total sense of failure and embarassment.
So, in order to combat such instances that may arise in the future...I have written:
The Ten Commandments...Working Girl Style
1. The Lord: You shall have no other gods before me, nor idols, nor shall you make yourself an idol.
WG: (SHIT! Already broke rule number one by writing own set of commandments. Hmm...well, since I've made myself a god, I grant myself total forgiveness.) You shall not worship any sales, clearance racks, or amazingly spectacular once in a lifetime deals. Unless they offer 100% off and are completely free. Then you must worship in a ridiculous fashion.
2. The Lord: You shall not make wrongful use of the name of the Lord.
WG: You shall not make wrongful use of your Visa, Mastercard, American Express, Bank Account, Savings Account, or money for the mortgage.
3. The Lord: Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy.
WG: Remember payday and keep it holy. (Note to self: 'keep it holy' does not mean finding a mall in which to worship!)
4. The Lord: Honor your parents.
WG: Honor parents by practicing safe sex and not having unexpected, unplanned, costly pregnancy and small but fabulous daughter to support for eighteen years.5. The Lord: You shall not murder.
WG: Do not kill the person you finally get to speak with after holding for two hours with your credit card company. They probably do not deserve to die. Killing them is not okay, but hoping they get a flat tire, or cancer, is okay.
6. The Lord: Do not commit adultery.
WG: Try to find nice unmarried man to date. (Also: Once a month, must go on a date with a machismo guy, who will no doubt be intimidated by my beauty and intelligence, and will insist on paying to boost his manly ego. This equals free food.)
7. The Lord: You shall not steal.
WG: Don't steal...from stores. No one in the office will really miss that box of paper clips, right? Or that roll of toilet paper? And who in the office really reads the daily newspaper? Or uses those Splenda packets besides me?? Yeah, don't steal from stores.
8. The Lord: You shall not bear false witness.
WG: What the hell does that mean? Oh well. FREEBIE!
9. The Lord: You shall not covet your neighbor's wife.
WG: Don't become a lesbian. Chicks are expensive. Got it.
10. The Lord: You shall not covet your neighbor's house.
WG: You are not a reality tv show that can redecorate a house on a $1000 budget...mainly because you do not have a thousand dollars! Must not spend the mortgage money on new throw pillows!!
Do you think my new commandments will help?
Pray for me!!