This week feels as if it's taken forever. Puck's death has left me pretty devastated. This crazy blitz of emotion - heartbreak, guilt, relief, emptiness - makes me feel like a soup sandwich.
I wanted to return to work mainly for the distractions. It was my plan to just go through the motions. My only goal was making it to the weekend without crying in front of my kids. This is not typical of me. I always try to give my best at work. But all I wanted to do was get through the week. Just teach, go home, sleep, repeat.
Within minutes of walking into my classroom, I received a phone call to let me know that - yay - I'd been selected for a teacher of the year observation and - boo - they were coming tomorrow. Tomrrow, as in, the next day. Tomorrow, as in, less than forty-eight hours after this personal tragedy of mine. Grrrreeeaaaatttt.
Luckily, my amazing intern stayed late to help me prepare. The observation group came to watch, it felt strange, then they left and I got an email saying I didn't make it to the next round.
Admittedly, I was disappointed. I really wanted to impress my principal and make my colleagues feel validated for voting me as their Teacher of the Year. It reminded me of when I was young and my teachers kept testing me for the Gifted Program. Three times, they tested me. I'd always score just a few points under the IQ requirement. I was smart, but not smart enough. The absence of that enough haunted me for years. And here it was, trying to creep back into my career.
Well, maybe not.
As you may or may not know, I'm applying to a graduate school to get my MFA in writing. In order to complete my application, I had to contact my old professors for letters of recommendation. One of the letters had this to say:
Lindsay's strengths lie chiefly in her intelligence, which is considerable, her insight into human nature, which is even greater, and finally, in her writing, which ranks in the top 1% of students I've taught in a career spanning over a quarter of a century. She is easily one of the most talented, conscientious, and intelligent students I've had the pleasure to teach - and her sensibility is as sensitive and inquisitive as it is adventuresome. I cannot recommend anyone more highly for any program.
Ha. I guess to some people, I am smart enough.