Sunday, May 23, 2010

moments like these

I don't like being vulnerable. I actually kind-of hate it. Mostly because I would, in my previous life as a depressed person, make myself so vulnerable to people that they had no option but to hurt me. So basically, I was hurting myself.

I hurt myself again.

You know, MLL and I weren't doing the right thing. We were using each other because we hated being alone. But I had feelings for him and I didn't share them. I was afraid of being in a relationship with him because I've never truly felt that "this is the person I want to be with" feeling from him. Did I feel comfortable? Yes. Excited? Yes. Attracted? Yes. Happy? Yes.

Assured? No.

It was just something I couldn't put my finger on, but the best way to describe it is I didn't feel the need to be with him. If we went a week or two without talking, it didn't bother me. Same for him. We wanted to want each other but we didn't.

And now he is dating someone else and I told him to get out of my life. He can't be my best friend anymore. And that's truly what he's been for the past few months. My friend, my comfort, my rescuer. Emphasis on the "my".

The thought of him with someone else is slowly draining out any spark I had lately. It's like banging my head against a wall when it comes to dating. I still manage to get hurt and rejected when I'm not even dating someone.

I should've seen it coming. Even being close with him but not dating him left me vulnerable. I thought I was doing the right thing by hanging on to him with only one hand instead of two.

But as I sit here, typing, with tears on the brims of my lashes for the eight hundred millionth time, I can't help but admit I am empty, lonely, and utterly exhausted.

wg

7 comments:

Amanda said...

I understand what you're going through and I'm sorry it's hurting you.

I've heard alcohol helps as does plotting random acts of vengence against the other girl. Even if you don't know her, it's okay to not like her. :)

Shanel said...

it would be totally worth it to finally tell him how you feel...he was your friend and I am sure you don't want to loose him completely-- he needs to know... I am so sorry you are hurting.

Natalie said...

*hugs*

Sojourner said...

I did the same thing. It just took me forever to realise I feared being vulnerable, and in fearing it I was making myself it.
I understand being empty, lonely and utterly exhausted.
It took God giving me a giant kick up the bum, but I got past it, n though lonely days still come, no matter how many people you interact with. Things are better.
Good Luck

wiki-san said...

I agree with Amanda's statement of "Even if you don't know her, it's okay to not like her."

I'm sorry that you're going through such an ordeal, but like everything else, with time, it'll pass. I hope everything works out for you for the better. (just remember to hang in there)

Ps. Alcohol (in moderate consumption) can help numb those feelings for a brief period of time. Maybe even help you get a great night sleep! :D

The Working Girl said...

Well, I'm not going to hate her. She didn't really do anything to me. It seems like a waste of energy to hate her.

Alcohol won't help me either. It's a depressant and only makes me want to cry about my dead mom when I get like this. So, not good.

I think time will help. And probably medication. Also, a therapist. You know, stuff like that.

Thanks for your feedback :)
wg

Heather said...

You did the right thing. I never felt that assurance with Jon. We were on-again, off-again, because I couldn't commit to cutting him out completely. Until I had to because the alternative (marrying him) made me feel like my life was coming to an end. If I had settled for him, I never would have met Matt. I know I was lucky to meet Matt so soon after Jon and it doesn't always work out that way, but I'm telling you...it's so worth it, when it does happen. Keep the faith that everything happens for a reason. And trust your instincts...you have good ones! :) Love ya!