I don't like being vulnerable. I actually kind-of hate it. Mostly because I would, in my previous life as a depressed person, make myself so vulnerable to people that they had no option but to hurt me. So basically, I was hurting myself.
I hurt myself again.
You know, MLL and I weren't doing the right thing. We were using each other because we hated being alone. But I had feelings for him and I didn't share them. I was afraid of being in a relationship with him because I've never truly felt that "this is the person I want to be with" feeling from him. Did I feel comfortable? Yes. Excited? Yes. Attracted? Yes. Happy? Yes.
It was just something I couldn't put my finger on, but the best way to describe it is I didn't feel the need to be with him. If we went a week or two without talking, it didn't bother me. Same for him. We wanted to want each other but we didn't.
And now he is dating someone else and I told him to get out of my life. He can't be my best friend anymore. And that's truly what he's been for the past few months. My friend, my comfort, my rescuer. Emphasis on the "my".
The thought of him with someone else is slowly draining out any spark I had lately. It's like banging my head against a wall when it comes to dating. I still manage to get hurt and rejected when I'm not even dating someone.
I should've seen it coming. Even being close with him but not dating him left me vulnerable. I thought I was doing the right thing by hanging on to him with only one hand instead of two.
But as I sit here, typing, with tears on the brims of my lashes for the eight hundred millionth time, I can't help but admit I am empty, lonely, and utterly exhausted.